


the hole in my chest may be gone but it feels more present than ever

by whatsanaccounttoagod



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Gen, Happy Ending, Instead He Gets A Metaphorical Slap Across The Face, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Spider-Kids, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 05:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsanaccounttoagod/pseuds/whatsanaccounttoagod
Summary: "I'm doing it again," he muttered."Doing what again?" Of course she had super-hearing. Didn't all radioactive spider-kids?"Nothing. I decided I'm not."I'm not replacing Peter.





	the hole in my chest may be gone but it feels more present than ever

**Author's Note:**

> me??? writing ANOTHER fic that's completely projecting onto tony stark?? it's more likely than you think
> 
> okay so this is really dumb but i get that hole in my chest feeling all the time and then kind of want to die afterward and my favorite coping mechanism is projecting
> 
> (27 sept: im doing better don't worry, i wrote the first few pages of this while i was down and then i kind of ditched it but i'm trying to finish up some of my older fics and i feel awkward destroying the integrity of the notes?? but yeah i sort of wrote this from my experience with depression its not necessarily anyone else's experience)
> 
> gwen is based off of her counterpart from marvel's spider-man (? i think idk i know spider-gwen comes in in ONE of the animated series) and miles morales is based off of the death of spider-man comic arc. their characters arent 100% canon as 1) i wanted to give tony the Feelings and 2) i dont actually remember everything i probably need to but i remember enough
> 
> alSO this isnt canon compliant at all because i haven't actually seen all of IW but i tried to be at least in character and there are definitely some IW spoilers because I've been spoiled so
> 
> UPDATE: thank you neelh for letting me know the gwen i was thinking of was ghost-spider from marvel rising! im lazy and time-crammed though so i probably won't go back and fix it for a while oof

After the removal of the electromagnet in his chest, Tony thought he'd never feel the sheer emptiness that lacking an entire section of his chest tended to cause. Those hopes vanished when he lost his kid.

_ His _ kid. Perhaps Peter wasn't his by birth, but dammit, that little spider managed to crawl into his heart and build a cozy little web there.

And now he's gone.

Tony tried to breathe, but the empty space seemed to press into his lungs.

"Good morning, Boss," FRIDAY chirped from the ceiling. "Are you ready?"

_ No. _ He'd never be ready. He wasn't ready to watch  _ his kid _ die in front of him. He wasn't ready to learn he could never undo The Snap, no matter how hard he tried. He wasn't ready when more spider-themed heroes appeared around New York.

The young lady, Gwen Stacy, had… mysterious origins. Her powers simply appeared one day, and she embraced them. She didn't have the desire to hide her identity; after all, everyone she cared about was well defended at all times. She didn't have Peter's poverty to deal with, and having a father on the police force meant she and her family was well defended at all times. She was fairly well-equipped, easily making her own low-tech yet effective costume.

Miles Morales, on the other hand, simply got some bad luck. A spider bit him while he was at his uncle's house, though how a radioactive spider got there, Tony would never know. His uncle was a weapons thief/dealer, and the billionaire wouldn't be surprised if Miles' uncle intentionally got the spider. Miles swung around in a cheap, dyed Spider-Man Halloween costume - not nearly enough protection or distinction. Many people assumed he was the original Spidey, and while he didn't actively fight that rumor, he certainly didn't try to endorse it.

Tony had to see them both today.

"Yeah," he wheezed.  _ Deep breaths. _

"You can do this, Boss. You'll be okay."

He shoved the voice in his head that screamed  _ I can't do this _ and _ I'll never be okay again _ behind forced narcissism and replied, "Damn right I'll be."

"One step at a time."

_ Shower. Dress. Call. Go. _

A shower and a casual navy suit later, he hopped in the least conspicuous car he had (the one he got for Peter's seventeenth birthday… A year ago today… Wow, he picked a horrible day to do anything) and headed for Miss Stacy's house. She'd be the easiest… right?

When she opened the door, still in her Spider-Gwen outfit, he had second thoughts. Instead of turning around and crying in the car, he cleared his throat and put on his best media smile. "Hi. You must be Gwen Stacy." He offered a hand. "I'm Tony Stark."

She gaped for a moment, but quickly regained her composure. "Hello. Would you like something to drink?" she asked as she waved him in.

_ Whiskey and cyanide. _ "Just some water, please?" He made himself at home on the overstuffed couch.

"Will do, Mr. Stark!" She had so much of Peter's enthusiasm it wasn't even funny.

"Please, call me Tony."

_ Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good… _

He pushed his memories to the back of his mind.

"Okay, Tony!" At least she was easier to convince. She bounced back with a glass of water, which the billionaire gratefully accepted.

"So, Miss Stacy-" he began.

"Gwen."

"Gwen, you've been invited to the-" He hid his voice crack behind a sip of water. "The September Foundation."

"What's that?" She plunked herself down next to him and leaned in. She and Peter may have been completely different in appearance and upbringing, but they certainly resembled each other in personality.

"A cover, mostly." When she didn't interrupt, he continued. "To the public, you get an exclusive, high-level internship at Stark Industries. While we keep applications open to avoid suspicion, we've never accepted any of them."

Her eyes widened as she realized. "Spider-Man."

Tony bit his lip. "Peter Parker. 14 when I recruited him. Bright kid. Smart. Built most of his own tech before I intervened." He sipped his water again. "Germany. The Vulture." His voice cracked as he continued. "Titan. He died there, a victim to The Snap before his injuries could claim him."  _ Why am I telling her this? _ "He was 16."

She looked away. "I was 16," she whispered.

"I know I can't get you to stop, but I can at least try to keep you somewhat safe. Make sure medical assistance is available any time you need it. Give you a better suit than a hoodie." He gestured at her outfit. "We can keep the theme, too… I just don't want more kids putting their lives on the line without proper equipment."

"What about Spider-Man?" At his haunted stare, she elaborated, "The new one."

"I'm talking to him later." It dawned on him that Miles was younger than Peter was when he started. "Oh, fuck."

"What?" Gwen rested a hand on the man's shoulder.

"I'm doing it again," he muttered.

"Doing what again?" Of course she had super-hearing. Didn't all radioactive spider-kids?

"Nothing. I decided I'm not."  _ I'm not replacing Peter. I'm not going to parent these kids. They have their own families. _ Tony knew it was bullshit. He wasn't replacing Peter, but he absolutely was going to see these kids as his own children soon enough. "The September Foundation will pay for any and all future schooling, as well as assist financially when needed. It's a great cover-up for its private side. All members are enhanced vigilantes who will most likely be offered a spot on the Avengers when they're older. They get tech, their own room in the Avengers compound, pretty much free access to most-slash-all of Stark Industries, and optional free publicity."

"What if I deny it?"

_ You send an old man to his grave with worry. _ "You won't."

She grinned. "You're right. I won't. I get to meet the new Spider-Man and learn more about the old Spidey, right?"

"If you ask the right questions."

"Great! I just have to tell my-" She groaned. "I have to tell my  _ dad. _ "

"If it's any consolation, I'm not taking you out of the country. Yet. Do you have a passport?" At her hesitation, he continued, "You should definitely get a passport. Best case scenario, you'll never use it."

"Am I going to go on a mission soon?" Gwen nearly vibrated off the couch. Were all people bitten by a radioactive spider like this? Tony hoped not.

"Nope. You get to train first. Until you're 18, you stay on the down-low. Small-town stuff. Your identity's out in the open, which means the Accords technically affect you, but I think we modified them so you're clear until you're an adult. I'll check and make sure." The amendment was definitely proposed and almost through, but knowing General Ross, something got "mixed up" along the way.

The young spideress grinned. God, why were teenagers like that? "This is gonna be  _ awesome. _ "

"Damn right it is." This time around, he didn't hesitate in giving her his personal number along with Happy's. "If you can't reach one of us in an emergency, try the other. If you can't reach either of us… Well, that's why you're going out equipped." He flipped over the slip of paper to reveal a picture of her suit's prototype. While still modelled after her more casual attire, the suit was heavily reinforced and could easily be modified if she desired. "I'll need your input and more accurate measurements, but-"

She threw her arms around him and latched on with the super-strength hug spider-themed vigilantes seemed so keen on giving. "I love it. Thank you."

He hugged her back. He'd learned from his mistakes; he couldn't hold back anymore. "No problem. Call me if you need anything. I'll send Happy to pick you up tomorrow."

Gwen bounced as the billionaire showed himself out.

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly, Miles Morales slammed the door in his face. Tony got used to it after working with May Parker; she was quick to anger when it came to her nephew, and she certainly didn't waste any time expressing said anger at Peter's mentor/father figure. He didn't, however, expect the shout that echoed behind the slammed door.

"Dad! I think I'm hallucinating again!"

"What'd you see?" someone called back.

"Tony Stark on our doorstep." The walls were so thin, he could hear the kid's gasp from across the room. "I slammed the door on Tony Stark. Dad, I slammed the door on Tony Stark! Oh, God, what am I-"

"No hard feelings," Tony whisper-shouted, trying to save the poor kid's ears. Spider-senses were a pain to deal with from an outsider's perspective. He couldn't imagine what it was like to live with them, especially in a place like this.

An older man opened the door, blinked, and quickly pushed Miles behind him. "What do you want?" he growled, eyes narrowing.

Tony held up his hands in surrender. "I'm here for Miles Morales. He's been invited to the September Foundation, and we really need to talk."

The man (most likely Mr. Morales) didn't let his guard down, but allowed the billionaire to enter. "Sit."

Tony sat on the nearest chair. Wow, and he thought May was scary.

"What's this really about?"

He glanced back at Miles and cocked an eyebrow. The even younger spiderling shook his head behind his father's back.

"The September Foundation. Miles gets a Stark internship and a scholarship to pay for any current and future schooling, should he accept."

"Miles is just starting middle school. Why should he be expected to work an  _ internship _ on the side? Is that even legal?"

Honestly, Tony wasn't sure either. "He's a bright kid, Mr. Morales, and he has a bright future ahead of him. I simply want to make it a bit easier on you all." He bit his lip. "It would mostly be a summer thing, and even then, only a day or two each week. He's welcome to come more often if he wants, though."

_ "FRIDAY? Lock the vents," he muttered, knowing Peter wouldn't hesitate to try to sneak back in. _

_ "There are currently three occupants. Should I alert them of the lockdown?" _

_ Peter, Clint, and Natasha tumbled out of a vent in the corner. _

_ "Never mind." _

"It still sounds like a lot…" Mr. Morales muttered.

"The goal of the September foundation is to help youngsters achieve their greatest potential. At his age, most of it'll be learning and observation."

Miles moved from the arm of the couch to the empty space between the two men. "Please, Dad?" he begged, pulling out puppy-dog eyes that rivaled Peter's. "If it gets too tough, we can always call it quits later."

Mr. Morales glared at the billionaire one last time, waiting for a catch.

"If you do decide to call it quits, I'm not going to suddenly stop funding his education. You could turn me down right now and I'd still be ready to hook him up anywhere the day he wants to apply." Wary family seemed to be his downfall, and Miles' father was warier than Peter's aunt. "I won't let him run himself ragged, Mr. Morales."

Miles kept bombarding his father with puppy-dog eyes. They worked just as well for the 11-year-old as they did for Peter.

With a dramatic sigh and an eye-roll, Miles' father relented. "Okay, okay, stop it already! You can do it, Miles. But school comes first."

The hyper spiderling immediately tackled his dad in glee. "Thank you!"

It warmed Tony's heart. He couldn't replace Peter, but he could protect other young heroes.

Just… why did they all have to be spider-themed?

* * *

"He's a baby," Gwen whispered, staring at Miles with a familiar parental glint in her eyes.

"I'm not a baby," he grumbled. "I'm in middle school."

"Baby," she reaffirmed, grinning.

"You're both babies," Tony stated, leading them over to a tape measure. "Shirts off."

The kids raised their eyebrows, and Tony sighed, exasperated.

"I need your measurements, and they're a lot more accurate when I don't have to deal with oversized clothes." At their continued hesitation, he tossed the tape measure to Gwen and pointed to a bathroom. "Fine. Do your own. Shoulders, bust, underbust, waist, inseam, torso."

She made her way over, whispering, "What even  _ is _ an inseam?"

"Your inseam is the inner leg length, measured from the top of your thigh to your ankle," FRIDAY clarified.

Both kids squeaked.

"Meet FRIDAY." Tony gestured to the ceiling. "She's everywhere. Get used to her."

Gwen shrugged and continued to the bathroom. Miles shuffled awkwardly.

"C'mon. We're gonna get you registered with FRI so when you sneak through my vents in the middle of the night you don't set off the emergency alarms." Tony looked up, inhaling to alert the AI, when Miles interrupted.

"I doubt it'll be a problem. I have a home."

"That's what I thought until I had the last Spider-Man bleeding out in my ventilation systems and trying to sneak into the medical wing to stitch up his own leg."

"...How old was he, again?"

"That time? 15."

" _ That _ time?"

Gwen re-emerged from the bathroom. "FRIDAY has the measurements." She tossed the tape measure to Miles, who excused himself.

"That was fast," Tony noted.

She nodded.

"Guess I'll just… Dammit, I never got Miles in. Oh, well. FRI, put her in the system."

"Gwen Stacy, alias: Spider-Gwen registered. Gwen, please place a hand on the biometric scanner outside the lab."

She dashed around, whispered, "Woah," and gingerly placed a hand on the scanner.

"It won't break," Tony told her.

She applied more pressure, and FRIDAY dimmed the lights. "Thank you, Gwen."

"Set Gwen's access level to Spider," he whispered.

"We get our own access level?" She glanced up in amazement.

"Ish. Before Peter basically lived here, he had slightly limited access. Right now, we're in the penthouse. With your current access level, I have to accompany you here. Anywhere else, you're free as a spider."

Miles exited. "She has mine, too," he called.

Gwen winced at the volume.

"FRIDAY, add noise blockers to my to-do list." Tony turned back to the confused/amazed kids. "Basically, they return your hearing to that of an average human… ish. You'll probably just seem to hear really well. Helped Peter a lot."

"I'm fine," both spiderlings insisted simultaneously.

"Helps with sensory overloads and accidentally overhearing dumbass bullies, or so Peter said."

"You talk about Peter a lot," Gwen noted, "but you never really tell us about him. All we know is he was the original Spider-Man and he died fighting Thanos when he was 16."

Miles would have slipped if not for his natural stickiness. "Wait, he was  _ 16 _ ?"

"Well, I knew." She strode over to a holographic screen. "Are you ever going to tell us about him?"

Tony knew this was coming. He simply hoped it wouldn't be this soon. "After I get Miles in the system. FRIDAY?"

"Miles Morales, alias: Spider-Man registered. Miles, please place a hand on the biometric scanner outside the lab."

The youngster whistled as he strode toward the scanner. "That's fancy."

"Wouldn't have anything less. Make yourselves comfy." He flopped onto the couch as a screen grew in front of them. "Let's play back some of the Put-It-On-The-Fridge footage, FRI."

Watching the original Spider-Man in action didn't upset him as much as he expected. He laughed with the kids as Peter mimicked Thor in the mirror, accidentally made his web fluid blow smoke in his face, and-

_ "If aliens lay eggs in my chest and I eat you guys or something, I'm sorry." _

_ "I don't want another single pop culture reference out of you for the rest of this trip," _ Video-Tony scolded.

If only he'd known how short the trip would truly be.

"Tony? Are you okay?" Gwen rested a hand on his shaking arm.

He jerked away, breath catching in his throat.  _ Oh, fuck _ . "Just a second. FRI, keep digging up embarrassing videos for me."

The screen switched to Tony, drunk off his ass, at what he once thought would be his last birthday party.

"I meant of P-Pe- You know what? I don't care anymore. Keep it to whatever you can find on the Internet." He bit back a desperate gasp for air and strode to the exit.

The moment he couldn't see them anymore, he crumpled against the wall.

"Boss, you seem to be experiencing a panic attack," FRIDAY declared.

"No, really?" the former superhero gasped. "Never would've guessed."

"According to my protocols, I need to alert someone. Who would you like?"

_ Definitely not whoever wrote that protocol. _ If he thought about it, Pepper or Rhodey probably wrote it. "Nobody. I'm fine." He took in one last gasp of air and forced his breathing to even out. Maybe he couldn't breathe, but he could pretend.

"Too late," Gwen called, approaching as much in his line of sight as possible. Miles followed her lead. "Your heartbeat was too fast."

"And, you know, you kind of didn't breathe for a minute and a half. Most people don't do that."

Tony tried to force his heart rate down. "I was breathing fine. You just missed it."

"He wasn't breathing," FRIDAY chimed in. The spiderlings looked at him triumphantly.

He would've sighed if he could breathe properly. "Why do you care?"

Miles raised his eyebrow. "Why do  _ we _ care? Maybe because you care about  _ us _ ? Did that thought ever cross your mind?"

The billionaire grinned. "You're a distraction. To keep my mind off him. Yeah, you'll both make great Avengers, but this isn't about you. This is about my grief and my guilt and my shitty fucking coping mechanisms."

"Bullshit," a familiar voice called from the ceiling.

Tony didn't believe it until both kids in front of him looked up. Even when he did, he didn't dare believe his eyes.

Peter Parker dropped down from the ceiling and angrily approached his mentor. "When you were taking care of me, you told me the  _ same exact shit. _ " He stabbed a finger into the billionaire's chest with every emphasized word.

He felt it right where the arc reactor used to sit, but it was impossible. The dead didn't come back to life.

"You push people away because you think you don't deserve them, but it's absolute bullshit." As Tony opened his mouth to disagree, Peter waggled a finger angrily. "Ah-uh, the  _ adult _ is talking."

That's right. Peter would be 18 now.

"You spent  _ years _ saving the world, and even when you lost, you spent years trying to fix it! Do you think I just poofed back because of a wish? It was  _ your _ hard work that brought me back. Dr. Strange may have been the one who  _ reversed _ it, but he wouldn't be around without you, now, would he?" Peter leapt back to the ceiling and began pacing.

_ "There's more room up here, Mr. Stark." _

"You are the most frustrating person ever, Mr. Stark. You're one of the best God-damned human beings I've ever met, and you won't even allow yourself to breathe! You're a fucking human being! You make mistakes! That doesn't mean you  _ are _ a mistake!"

Tony felt a familiar frustration bubble up in his chest. "You're one to talk, Mr. 'I Blame Myself For My Uncle's Death Despite Not Having Been Able To Do Anything About It'! It's not like you're responsible for the death of  _ half the fucking universe! _ "

Peter flinched, but grinned. "I'll stop blaming myself for Ben's death when you stop adopting every kid you come across."

"These ones actually have parents," Tony defended.

"I have May." The kid's face fell. "Had."

"So you heard?" The mentor offered a hug. "I'm sorry, kid."

The kid accepted. "Wasn't your fault. I came to terms with it a while ago."

"...How long have you been alive again?"

Miles cleared his throat. "We're still here, you know."

Peter pulled away and turned to face his fellow spiders. "I'm Spider-Man. Or Peter." When Gwen went to introduce herself, he interrupted, "And you're Gwen and Miles, New York's new friendly neighbourhood spiders."

"Kid, you never answered my question." Tony glanced up at FRIDAY. "How long has everyone been back?"

"Not long. I was still… aware. Most of us were. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be able to see everything and not interact at all?" Peter started rambling again. "It's very frustrating. I spent two years watching you work yourself until you nearly died and only taking the bare minimum to recover before you did it all over again. I don't know when I really became… corporeal… but at some point I was able to interact with things. Like a ghost. Kind of. Except ghosts aren't real. The Soul Stone just had too much stuck inside it and overloaded, so when it was given a way to get rid of the excess, it did, which led to… Well, this. I just got spit out today. Not everything's back, yet, but at the rate that the universe was restoring itself, I'd say we have a month, tops, before-"

"Breathe, Underoos. A month?"

"Yeah. A month before everything comes back."

The other two (er, only two?) spider-kids jumped with joy.

"I'm gonna get my dog back!" Gwen cheered.

"I get to meet Gwen's dog!" Miles shouted with her.

Tony didn't even think about pets. Half of all life… That included plants and animals, too.

If he hadn't already killed that grape-fucker, he might have killed him just for that. Actually, he was going to revive the bitch and kill him again.

"A month," Tony whispered. One month until everything was as it should be.

They could work with that.

**Author's Note:**

> please comment even if its just to tell me you hate me but also if you dont want to comment here you can send me love/hate/screams anonymously on my tumblr: [whatsanaccounttoagod](whatsanaccounttoagod.tumblr.com)
> 
> but if you dont want to thats fine too i appreciate attention in all forms


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